Sunday, March 23, 2008

LIFE & TIMES: The Asshole: And other friends near and dear to your heart.

So I'm attempting to actually keep writing, and allow other people to read what I write even though I have a crippling fear of people hating the things I create. Which is why I stick to being a tiny cog in a large fashion machine. I recently met the editor/creator of a beautifully designed online magazine: And she has allowed me to submit some of my blathering for her site. I don't know if she'll like it or use it, but since I wrote it anyway, I'm posting my first article (in it's long-ass entirety---she'll probably edit it down) below. And if it actually makes it to her site, I'll keep everyone in the loop and pass it on.

Our fashion editor posed this question to me over dinner: Why is there always one asshole in every group of friends? And the more I thought about, the more it irked me. Because it’s true. It never matters how cool your crew is, how much you all love and care for each other, one of you is inevitably always an asshole. Why is that?
Maybe it’s because all friends inevitably fall into easy compartments. And while most, if not all people fall into more than one category, all of your friends will fall into one.

The Center: The one that wants you all to bond and be BFFs forever and ever and ever. If she is a girl, she will always call you all ladies, as in ”Ladies, let’s all hang out together!” and “Ladies, I miss us!” If he’s a male, he’s already planned on you being in his wedding and he’s single.
Con: The Center will bug out if anyone else takes the reins as social director and perhaps morph into The Asshole-Passive Aggressive.

The Partier: Similar to The Center in the desire to socialize, different in that it’s not about you at all. The Partier is always down for whatever with whoever ‘cause the party never stops.
Con: At some point the party stops and the Partier grows up. Or this friend gets to be the old, bitter person at the bar, wondering what happened to their life?

The Funny one: Feeling down? This hilarious buddy is the one to call. He/she is full of jokes guaranteed to keep you rolling for hours. And not only is this friend funny, everything around them is comical. Boring party +funny friend = awesome times.
Con: As the suicide/overdose rate of comedians has proven, funny people are always crying on the inside and at some point The Funny friend will become depressed and you won’t know how to relate to them any more. Also risk of turning into Asshole-Funny.

The Mom: He/she cares about you so much and will tell you the truth about yourself in a loving way. And how to fix your issues and file your taxes. This friend is like your mom if your mom split 40s with you at house parties.
Con: While helpful, sometimes the lectures get tiresome, so it’s important that your Mom friend be down for dancing and partying, not just long discussions at the local café.

The Dominant One: Decisions, decisions. Decisions are in no way difficult for the dominant one, because he/she always goes with their gut and gets down to business. It’s not so much that everyone else is wrong; it’s more like The Dominant One is always right.
Pro: It’s hard to think for yourself all the time!

The Pushover: This friend is down for whatever, whenever and anything you want to do. Dinner? Your choice. Movies? Whatever you want to see. A friend like this is always necessary because they are easiest to make plans with, hang out with, and even live with because of their amazing adaptability to most situations.
Con: The Pushover will push back someday and become a total brat, because being a complete sucker is hard for most people.

The Come and Go Friend: He’s here, he’s there, he’s nowhere. He’s your own Come and Go Friend. Around enough to still be friends, but doesn’t stick around long enough to have fights with anyone or being annoying in any way. This is the friend you always think of fondly, and wish that you saw more of.
Con: Absolutely nothing. This friend is always awesome.

The Boyfriend Girl: She’s in love, and now you’ll never see her again. Unless she’s got the boyfriend in tow. Not to be confused with The Come and Go Friend: The Boyfriend Girl (or Girlfriend Boy) has left you for love.
Pro: If the significant other is cool you’ve made a new friend. If not, well, you didn’t need all those pesky friends anyway.

The Asshole: Most important to know, this guy or girl has no idea they are The Asshole. And they might never realize it, depending on how narcissistic they are. He/she isn’t mean to everyone, all the time, because that would result in a complete desertion by any and all friends. But there is enough concentrated snarky/bitch-ass/snottiness that the vast majority of said crew will spend way too much time thinking about how much The Asshole sucks. Long discussions going back to when one first met this bastard will ensue, causing questions like: “Why am I still friends with this person?” and “How do I cut this person off without losing all of our mutual friends?” There is no answer to that one, because that is the mark of a true asshole. Some of your friends still love and care about this beotch.
Pro: Any of your trangressions will look like child’s play next to this SOB’s patented blend of sarcasm, back-stabbing and resentment.

Of course, assholes come in all shapes and sizes. They are modified by age, sex, temperament…

Asshole-Aggressive: Just a jerk. No rhyme, reason or even finesse about it.

Asshole-Passive Aggressive: Are you mad at me? I don’t know and even after you get over it I’ll never know why. Maybe it stems from bizarre bouts of hidden jealousy stemming from an incidence long ago. Maybe I inadvertently stepped on your cat’s tail. You’re nice to my face, a bitch behind my back and when you’re actively pissed off you’re even nicer.

Asshole-Funny: I never knew I was funny enough to be the subject of all of your jokes. But because you’re hilarious I guess I have to take it.

Asshole-Narcissist: A regular conversation goes like this:

Person #1: Me, me, me. You?
Person #2: Oh, me, me, me. You?

A conversation with the Asshole-Narcissist is more like this:

Person #1: Me, me, me. You?
A-N: Oh, me, me, me. Me, me, me.
Person #1: That’s great! Me, me---
A-N: And also, me, me, me. Me, me, me. And then, me, me, me, me, me, me…….

Why is one friend always the asshole? After much research I’ve realized that one friend has to be an asshole to balance everything out. Does the asshole always stay that way? I don’t think so, because you’d cut that person out of your life forever if they remained the spawn of evil for any great length of time. People transition and change. But into every life an asshole will come.

And as for my own crew of lady-friends? Well, I’m not telling…


katie/mermaidhair said...

eek. I hope I'm the Come and Go and not the Boyfriend Girl. I always have a boyfriend, so I couldn't have ditched any friends along the way. And he usually doesn't come along too often. Besides, the Come and Go is the only one with no con.

mandisa said...

You are definitely who I thought of when writing the Come and Go friend!